The ‘Mom’ Haircut Hall of Shame

Splash News Online

A few days ago, OMG blog unveiled Angelina Jolie’s “hot” new haircut on their blog.  Practically wetting themselves over Elvira’s new look, they excitedly declared, “Jolie was snapped with chunky blonde highlights and sideswept bangs as she stepped into a water taxi with Brad and Pax.”

Naturally, I felt compelled to check out this exciting new coif.  Upon first glance, I thought to myself, “She looks like…a mom.”  This was followed by the horrifying realization that the hairstyle I sport is nearly identical.  Hair half pulled back, check.  Bangs gently side-swept, check.  But if I thought she looks like a mom now then I must look like a mom now, right?

At least my mom cut is not as bad as any of these, yet.

The Dorothy Hamill aka “the bowl cut.”  I myself fell victim to the charms of this insidious haircut when I was a young child.  I was unable to discern the fact that Dorothy Hammil was cute despite the haircut, not because of it.  She was America’s sweetheart, and who didn’t want to be just like her?  Pull out a yearbook from any elementary school during the seventies, and you will find a multitude of copycats.

Haircut no doubt trying to emulate the Dorothy Hamill

The Marcy Darcy. Popular during the 80′s, when Married With Children was at its popularity peak.  Marcy was constantly berated by Ed Bundy for being asexual,or sexually ambiguous.  He had a point. Nothing says “I just don’t give a crap-at all” like the Marcy Darcy.  All business in the front, with a little party going on  in the back (see also: men with perms circa 1983), this perm/ feathered  hybrid can still be spotted in Walmarts nationwide.

The Lori Petty. The most severe manifestation  of the “soccer mom” haircut.  Closely shorn locks show up in movies from time to time to designate craziness (Haute Tension, Hard Candy), toughness (G.I.Jane, Alien 3) or cancer.  Later become synonymous with lesbian chic.  Never a good look, on anyone.  If you are the one exception to this rule, well, good for you.

The Rachel. In 1993, if you walked into a PTA meeting anywhere in the  USA, you would come across countless versions of the Rachel.  The Rachel haircut’s cuteness and acceptibility was dictated by an archaic caste system.  If you were of the elite group of women who could afford $100 hair cuts, the results were amazing.  Layers fell in perfect harmony around your neck.  A gentle toss of your elegant mane resulted in jealous glares and evil wishes.

However, if you had to go the Supercuts or Fantastic Sam’s route, well, let me offer my belated apologies.  Only a small fraction of women who sought this haircut  actually received it.  The rest, well, there were some really unfortunate layered messes going on.  I’ll leave it at that.

Cute

Not Cute

The Posh. The cut that launched a thousand copycats. The most ubiquitous mom haircut in recent history, almost everyone I knew got this at one point or another.  This later morphed into the “Kate Gosselin.” Just because a size 0 pop star can pull it, it doesn’t mean you can too.

The Posh Hairstyle

See, it's not really that different from the Posh

The Glenn Close. A curly, short bob. Alternatively can be worn straight.

The Soccer Mom. This is what it all leads up to.  That short, effortless ‘do that 90% of women settle into at some point in their life.  Horrifying, depressing, and hands down the Hall of Shame winner.  Study closely, do not repeat.