HAVE YOUR CHILDREN SPAYED AND NEUTERED
Being self-employed truly does have its perks. Aside from the fact that my boss is a nice piece of eye candy, she is also indulgent in my daily viewing of The Young & the Restless. Last week, I was a few seconds early in catching up with the Newmans vs. the Abbotts and got to visit with Drew Carey on The Price is Right. I was pleased to note that Drew had taken on Bobby Barker’s plea of, ‘Have your pets spayed or neutered.’
I adore animals. When offered the chance, I would usually spend about 60% of my time yapping with them rather than chatting up humans. I loathe cruelty to pets and think the over-population of animals is senseless & unjustifiable. Obviously, I support having animals spayed & neutered, and after hearing Drews/Bob’s tagline, my thoughts started on one of their weird trailing sessions. This time, I traipsed back to High School=reading Swift’s A Modest Proposal=how I unswervingly agreed with the point of the story=my disdain for children=spaying and neutering humans to avoid the over-population of children.
Not that this should matter to anyone, but unless I know you & your children or am related to you & said spawns, I don’t like the idea of kids. I don’t think they’re cute and I don’t care to hear, witness, or experience anything about them. Now, having written that, I’ll write this, why is it so gosh-darned difficult for a chick to get a hysterectomy?! I’ve been attempting to slide myself into one for years and, personally, I think I should be rewarded in doing so. If it’s a good idea to spay and neuter pets, wouldn’t it be all the mo’ better to unhand the baby-making equipment? My own surveys say ‘Yes! Fer sher! Atta Girl! Go Team Barren!’
Instead, usually I have to deal with the following:
Breeders: You’ll change your mind about having children.
Wannabe Barren: I’m 33. I knew when I was five that no babies were coming out of me. Seriously, 28 years with the same stance doesn’t gift me some sort of ‘Get out of flippant response free card’?
Breeders: Even if you don’t like children now, you’ll grow to love your child when you have it!
Wannabe Barren: Stellar reason to bear a child. Right up there with, ‘If I have a kid, the Father will HAVE to stay with me!’ Brilliant. And what happens if I still don’t like the thing when it comes out? Can I exchange it for a corgi?
Medical: It can cost anywhere from $3,000 to $12,000 to have a hysterectomy.
Wannabe Barren: Fantastic. Like most ‘woman surgery’ items, we’re left with the idea that it’s cheaper to just pull out the ‘coat hanger & a dream’ method.
Medical: If you wish to donate your eggs, you really should be under 30.
Wannabe Barren: Never mind the fact that I’m blond, green-eyed, having a sparkling personality, photographic eye, am an avid jogger, love animals, etc.…at 33, I’m too old to give anyone the opportunity at creating a family. Silly me.
I can’t even give this baby-making junk away. I would welcome the opportunity to aid someone in the whole procreation deal, but it’s been easier for some people to chastise me about my life and my choices. Therefore, let’s really hit this point home with a few secrets about me: I will ingest anything with aspartame because my gynecologist once told me that large amounts of it will destroy one’s uterus. I don’t want to gain weight during a pregnancy-yes, I am that vain. The pain of labour is nothing I would ever want to endure and some screaming, drooling, diaper-ridden, ungrateful teenaged, college loan toting kid isn’t my idea of a ‘reward’. Does this sound like someone who should have children? Not so much.
Honestly, I’m happy to see responsible and caring people with opportunities to have children. And I feel like I’m responsible in realizing that I wouldn’t be a proper Mother or Parent because I have absolutely zero interest in becoming one. I am certainly not implying that the majority of my chums are disregarding my feelings about kids, I’m just sayin’, ‘Because I can have children doesn’t mean I should’. On the flip side, just because I can probably perform my own hysterectomy doesn’t mean I should do that either.
So, until someone creates a Donate Your Uterus programme, I’m outta luck. My conclusion is this, if I can respect your determination to have a child you should be able to grant me the same for having the smarts not to birth anything. I’ll stick with my animals and you have a go at procreation and we can all meet up for cocktails when the small ones are out of the house with firm jobs