10 Types Of People You May Encounter At The Gym
So if you belong to a gym of any type, you probably noticed an influx of newbies during the month of January. This annual spike in membership is hardly coincidental-it starts after the first of the year, when New Year’s resolutions are made. Now that we are a full week into February, most of those newbies have disappeared until next January, so we are left with the regular crowd of gym dwellers. They are interesting assortment of people, to be sure. Most are perfectly innocuous, but here’s a handy guide on who you might run into. Proceed with caution.
The Singlet Wearer
Do not trust anybody, male or female, who wears a singlet (or unitard.) Despite the repeated attempts on the part of American Apparel to make this article of clothing acceptable, it is not, ever. People who wear these are either oblivious, crazy, or both.
Nut Hugger Man
Though most likely to be spotted almost exclusively during the warmer pool months, unfortunately this specimen might pop up from time to time in the open gym environment. He wears shorts so tight that you can actually see the exact shape and size of each nut. Usually gay, but universally offensive.
The Kept Woman
Usually between the ages of 20 and 25 years old, the kept woman always has a gigantic breast augmentation that is ridiculously out of proportion to her tiny build. Usually wears full makeup while working out with a personal trainer that her sugar-daddy pays for. I get a chuckle out of watching the male trainers drool all over the place, then they become crestfallen when her dirty old man of a boyfriend makes an occasional appearance to mark his territory.
Stuck in the 80′s Sally
*Still* wears the neon “thong over tights” look. I don’t think they sell these anymore, so does that mean that the thong she is wearing is over 25 years old? Usually this is a middle aged woman who doesn’t know any better, and nobody has the heart or balls to tell her otherwise.
The Non-Exerciser Exerciser
At my gym, there is a group of rotund men who show up without fail on a daily basis. They usually mount a recumbent exercise bike, set the resistance to a challenging “0″ and gently move their legs while they read the paper. They never crack a sweat (how could they), and often reward themselves for their grueling workout with a refreshing post-workout beer at the health-club bar. The calories in one light beer negate the cumulative effects of a week’s worth of workouts.
The Immodest Old Person
A phenomenon exclusive to the locker room, thank Christ. Modesty seems to be inversely proportionate to age. The older an individual becomes, the less likely they are to care who sees it all hanging out. In the women’s locker room, the only people who walk around nude are the only ones who ought not be doing so. I shudder when I see what toll gravity takes on the breasts and butts of the afflicted. I also panic when they try to engage me in conversation, because I don’t know where I am supposed to look. So I try to avoid them altogether, even though they make it as difficult as possible. For some reason, they like to drag a bench smack dab into your path and perch upon it while they slather themselves with lotion.
Apparently it is worse on the men’s locker room side. My husband tells horror stories about men talking to him (naked) with one foot elevated up onto a bench, a la the “Captain Morgan’s pose”. This gives a particularly enticing view of their scrotum. Tuck that crap away! Nobody wants to see it.
This category also includes the sickening “throat clearer.” This is the person who is frequently a meat-head, and usually in the free weight area, who makes recurring and inappropriately loud grunting noises while they are performing different weight exercises. It is so loud, that everyone kind of looks around at one another like, “Did you hear that?”, which of course everyone did, because it is inappropriately loud. As the grunts escalate in decibels and quantity, everyone tries to pretend that they don’t notice, but it is really all you can concentrate on for the rest of your workout. It is embarrassing for everyone.
Even worse is the man who insists on loudly and frequently clearing their throat. It is disgusting, but you really should be thankful, because they will ruin your appetite for the duration of the day.
The Profuse Sweater
I’m not talking a normal sweat, I mean the men who literally give the stair stepper a bath with their body’s waste. God help you if they are not on a machine that moves vertically. If they are on a treadmill, watch out. Anyone within a 10 foot radius is going to become a casualty of the flying sweat. You will often wonder why at peak times the treadmills on either side of his are empty, and it is because people have found out the hard way to steer clear of the sweat Armageddon.
This type frequently wears Victoria’s Secret (especially the Pink line), Juicy Couture, or Bebe workout clothes, which are basically made for whores. She usually exposes 3/4 of her augmented breasts on a given day, and loves any workout bottoms that feature slogans across her ass, believing this draws attention to said ass. She has no female friends, for obvious reasons.
This person is always hanging around and doling out unsolicited fitness tips, or technique corrections. For months they do this, and everyone assumes that they are a trainer or employee of the gym, but one day you find out the truth. They are just a creepy person who lurks about giving advice that may or may not be correct.
Self explanatory; never, ever knows how to STFU. Doesn’t matter if you want to know or not, she will tell you all about her love life, her money, her house, her cars, what she had for breakfast, what she is going to have for dinner…
The Cardio Queen
Every gym has one. No matter what time of day, or what day of the week it is, she is there. She is always doing cardio. It is unbelievable. Of course she has the build of a whippet. She never, ever is seen conversing with anyone, and she never smiles.
I always wonder to myself, ” Does she work? Does she have a family?” I am convinced that she hides in the bathroom until they lock up the joint, and just exercises all through the night, completing a 24/7 cycle of cardio.