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Stars, They’re Just Like Us! (Especially Jessica Biel, Who Is Exactly Like Me.)

January 28, 2010

Janey Pancake strikes a pose with her baby bjorn.

If you are a new reader, I will be highlighting some posts you might have missed from time to time.  This is one of my faves that Pancake wrote after Jessica Biel lamented the lack of roles being thrown her way. Enjoy!

(Please allow me to preface this missive by acknowledging that I am not the first to write about Jessica Biel’s June 2009 Allure interview. The ladies at GoFugYourself have done a beautiful job. And this bit posted on Dlisted was particularly noteworthy if you enjoy this sort of thing)

Dear Jessica Biel,

Many are the woes of the beautiful woman – I should know. I felt such a connection to you as I read your recent Allure interview for I too have been hobbled career-wise by my scorching hotness – burned, if you will – by my own lovely sun, which blazes bright and resplendent with blinding beauty.  Though I am in the visual arts and not the performing variety, I am all too familiar with the crushing sound of disappointment that accompanies the slamming doors of opportunity, having been cast away by my peers and potential employers for the singular offense of being unbearably gorgeous. I have tried to dim my light so that people would take a chance on the real me, hoping against hope that one day someone might be able to look beyond my smoking-hot ass and gold-spun hair and see the multi-talented, creative, intelligent, inventive and gifted person beneath the radiant facade of my countenance. To no avail – though I have searched far and wide – there is nary a fake mustache on this earth ugly enough to effectively conceal my angelic features and calescent physique.

My beauty is legendary, the name Janey Pancakes synonymous with a mythological kind of crippling attractiveness – a burden too great to bear.

Of course, you know all about that sort of thing. Thank you, Jessica Biel, for having the courage and strength of will to speak out against the prejudices that have befallen our resplendent sisters. You are a trailblazer in this movement and we have an enormous fight ahead of us. For now we can only dream of the day when a sublime-looking woman can make a name for herself in the film industry because of her unspeakable exquisiteness – not in spite of it. Lo, our day shall come. Be strong, fair Biel, be strong. You shall soon have your day in the sun.*

Winsomely yours,
Janey Pancakes
*and by sun, I mean the metaphor for blistering success and not my delicate and charming face.



2 Responses to “ Stars, They’re Just Like Us! (Especially Jessica Biel, Who Is Exactly Like Me.) ”

  1. anne almirall on May 27, 2009 at 8:45 am

    I have tried my entire life to look beyond your scorching beauty and appreciate your intellect and talent. All of our meaningful conversations must be played out on the phone. I am far too captivated by your magnificent ass to hear a word from your lips in person. Wish me well and hope that my bias will one day pass.

    Yours always,
    Jane’s sister

  2. Travis Naughton on May 27, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Ms. Pancakes,

    You and Ms. Biel are an inspiration to all of us who were born gorgeous beyond belief and punished for it. For too long we have had to downplay our deliciousness so that the commoners around us would not feel intimidated by our beauty. Our sacrifices have gone largely unreported by the mainstream media leading “normal” people to believe that it is easy to be the models of attractiveness that we are. Thank you for documenting the struggles of Ms. Biel and yourself. I feel now that I no longer have to suffer alone in my exceptional hotness. Although our incredible good looks have hindered our careers, I will draw inspiration from your words and allow myself to dream that a better life is possible for god-like people such as ourselves.

    Yours in Sexiness,

    Jane’s Cousin-in-Law

    PS: If your sister is captivated by your magnificent ass, then you should probably make sure she never sees mine. I fear she might never recover.