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What’s the Most Beautiful-Sounding State Capital?

January 18, 2010
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Well, Honolulu is certainly the silliest

Dover was the name of that slow kid in middle school with the runny nose; Sacramento makes your teeth rattle. Salem has too much to prove. Carson City spills out the left side of your mouth. Topeka makes your face do gymnastics. “Concord” sounds like you’re shouting someone’s name. Denver was Dover’s slightly smarter brother.

Augusta sounds like a sneeze. Montpelier trickles down saliva from your jowls.

Boise is an accent waiting to happen. Jacksonville Only the loosest girls wear Baton Rouge. Bark, “Austin!” and you want to duel. Raleigh was the name of the first pet you had to get rid of after he chewed Mother’s unmentionables.

Trenton, Boston, and Madison are the leaders of an up-and-coming street gang; they play jacks in their spare time. Harrisburg runs the seedy cardboard pawn shop in the alley off 51st and Krump. Albany sounds insaney…almost as much as Tallahassee. Lincoln sounds like an arrestable offense, Helena is the frumpish sister of Dover and Denver.

And the ugliest is, of course, Columbus…but perhaps that’s because I hail from Michigan

Indianapolis is two trains smashing in the day.

Salt Lake City salt lake sounds like a shady sitcom. Springfield is left better fictitious. Bismarck is the first name of a rapper. Atlanta is like the waves gathering uncertainly on the shore, Nashville brims your mouth with hatred, Montgomery is beyond some meaning of “perfunctory,” Hartford desperately wants to be loved, Cheyenne cares not who loves it, Oklahoma City says to its mother, “I’m glad to be a state.”

Charlestown is nice in its own special way

Lansing is, for my own part, beauty undefined. Pierre and Phoenix are not far behind. Richmond should be the name of a candy bar. Santa Fe takes your breath away. Annapolis is your quiet shame. Your lover unreposed. Little Rock certainly sounds better than its state. Louisville knocks it out of the park. Des Moines is like a distant jest. Jefferson City residents refer to it in jest. Providence is sweet and chaste. But the winner is clearly Juneau.

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5 Responses to “ What’s the Most Beautiful-Sounding State Capital? ”

  1. Mr. Smarty Pants on January 18, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Very creative Nat! Well done!

  2. geoffrey on January 18, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Richmond *should* be the name of a candy bar.

  3. Robin on January 18, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Louisville isn’t the state capital for KY…Frankfort is the correct answer.

  4. Nat on January 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    And the less said of it, the better!

  5. Sara on January 18, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    As your Seeester, I agree with any and all assumptions. Go Juneau!

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