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Heidi Montag: Should Have Opted for the Lobotomy Instead

January 15, 2010
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With an infinite number of IQ points lost starring in season after season of The Hills, Heidi Montag recently admitted she’s had some, well, work done, in hopes to gain pop super-stardom. 10 kinds of work. In one day.

“It’s a superficial industry,” Montag told People magazine. DDDuh. [Yeah, I'm cluing you in on her cup size]. “For the past three years, I’ve thought about what to have done. I’m beyond obsessed.” Montag wants to do it all: act, sing, wow her fans. But so far, she’s just had it all done:

  • Mini brow lift
  • Botox in forehead and frown area
  • Nose job revision
  • Fat injections in cheeks, nasolabial folds and lips
  • Chin reduction
  • Neck liposuction
  • Ears pinned back
  • Breast augmentation revision
  • Liposuction on waist, hips and inner and outer thighs
  • Buttock augmentation

I can’t decide, is People promoting her [the cover look is their lure] or demoting her? Either case, I’m in awe. Because it is awful. But what has to hurt more than the suctions, reductions and injections are the blows to her self-esteem that brought her to the surgeon. Being a female is tricky – we play tricks on our bodies every day: bras that lift and separate [or inflate], tunics that flow [to camouflage where we grow], lip gloss that puckers our kisser, hems that hit just above [or below] the knee [that's where the thinnest parts of our legs are, you know]. But keeping up with the Heidis of Hollywood is dangerous. It is my most sincere hope that girls, tweens, young women and marrieds aren’t making their own mental wish lists of gross physical proportions. Because everything she’s advocating is gross.

My advice to Heidi? A lofty goal: lose Spence and keep what’s left of your dignity and your original, fully functioning parts. Maybe give finding a sense of self a go [you'll most likely need someone of sound mind and body to help you look for it]. I know it’s a tall order, but so was that laundry list you handed over to your surgeon in November. You’re been giving Heidi’s a bad name, and I don’t like it. And I’ll bet your family doesn’t either.

And People? Encourage people to be people. Girls will be girls – and without industry cover girls like Mz. Montag fucking up what a girl should be, that can be pretty good.

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