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Knights In Santa’s Service

December 14, 2009
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KISantaSAbout five years ago our local paper, The Township Times, ran an article asking area third-graders, “What is your biggest holiday wish and why do you want it to come true?”

As expected, most of the letters went something like

Dear Blah Blah,

Unlike the other kids, I don’t really care about toys. All I want for Christmas is my family to be together/Daddy to not violate parole/a big sandwich. I love my family very much and Christmas is about love/sharing/the birth of Jesus.

Each response was worded as carefully and noncommittally as something you’d hear pass through the lips of a Miss America–empty yet somehow placating–and peppered with the usual hypocorisms. But among the other kids’ maudlin pleas to help the “pour people” or for grandpa to recover from his “dimentia,” one response kicked ass:

My holiday wish is to go bake [sic, though I'll cheerfully entertain the thought that he wished to be stoned] stage at a KISS concert. I would party with Gene Simons. My Dad and I would Rock and roll all night and party every day. Me and my family would do a stage dive and play the interments. I would be playing Gene Simons axe guitar. My dad will sing with Paul Stanly.

Nathan Y.
Freeland Elementary

How goddamned awesome is that? Obviously this kid had his act together and will undoubtedly grow up to be a brilliant writer as, already in third grade, he’s mastered the rules for writing about KISS:

1. Only song referenced is Rock & Roll All Night
2. Mentioned Gene’s bad-ass guitar
3. Didn’t mention Peter Criss

Likewise, no other child wanted to do a stage dive from back stage [or possibly while stoned].

In contrast, the other children all had pansy, bed-wetting wishes for world peace or helping those in need. These kids don’t really want this stuff, they just know how to take advantage of their perceived virtue and innocence to get their name in the paper–and judging by the rest of the letters, they were very much in the right.

But Nathan wasn’t a sell-out, his rhetorical skills and admiration for a fading rock band that will probably be remembered as a one-hit-wonder captures the holiday spirit in a way that Mary C. of SS Peter and Paul, Spencer T. of Freeland Elementary, or Erica K. of Freeland Elementary, who wishes “to get more love because I love my family so much” and who apparently “don’t care about toys or that stuff because Christmas isn’t about toys or a tree” ever could. And that’s the greatest gift of all.

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3 Responses to “ Knights In Santa’s Service ”

  1. Pancake on December 14, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Wonderful. Eddie Izzard does a funny bit about honesty and the attractive-making powers of it – admitting when you break an entire shelf of wine glasses at a party (for example) as well as wanting to stage dive into the interments at a KISS show.

    That kid is going to grow up just fine.

  2. anncine on December 14, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Excellent. I believe my xmas gift wishes were always for soft things and fluffy dresses…(some things never change). Though this year, I would just like a nice sturdy glass of milk punch and to be done with it.

  3. Jackson on December 14, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    i think my favorite of all the interments is the bass. it’s badass and could save christmas if needed. kinda of like the power of the Almiralls.

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