Five Ridiculous Things Parents Do To Their Babies
You know, once upon a time, I was horrified that people felt the need to pierce their baby’s ears (truth be known, it still creeps me out.) However, my helpful Anthropology degree has equipped me with an astute ability to discern that certain rituals are unique to other cultures, and leave it at that.
Heck, if I really want to come clean, I have to admit that when I got released from the hospital holding my daughter in a baby bucket on my lap while in a wheelchair it was all I could do to resist the urge to drive directly to the nearest Claire’s boutique in a shopping mall. Infection, pain, and fright be damned, a cubic zirconia bauble in her ear would have added that personal bit of flair too many baby babies miss out on. Unfortunately for my daughter, I could not walk without the aid of two strong individuals for a good two weeks.
That is the sole reason my poor daughter has barren ear lobes, and I curse myself daily over my lack of resolve. I should have crawled through the mall and inflicted my personal desire to adorn my daughter with bling while she still could not struggle. *Sigh* Just one of my short comings as a parent. Nah, just kidding. I would never pierce a baby’s ears.
At any rate, I do draw the line at some really assanine things that parents do their babies. Intrigued by a photo I found this week, I investigated further and couldn’t believe some of the things I discovered. I offer you the following five ridiculous things parents do to their babies.
1. Baby weave. This is absurd. Putting a weave on a baby is just wrong, on so many levels. Look at that little baby’s face. Now look at the completely freakish and fake looking hair. Little girl looks like she is saying, “bitches, get this crap off my head.” It also seems that the hair would be a big suffocation/ strangulation hazard, particularly in a crib.
3. ”Baby Bangs” otherwise known as baby toupee. Just because you are embarrassed that your child doesn’t have any hair doesn’t mean you should subject your baby to baby bangs. ”I’m not a boy” is a proclamation proudly displayed on their home page. Ever heard of dressing her in pink? How do you think your little darling is going to react when she finds out that she was subjected to a wig-let mere days after birth, all because her parents can’t deal with her bald head.
4. The Shot Fairy. Okay, this is not just for babies, but this is the next natural progression. If you are too much of a pussy to take your child to the doctor for vaccinations because you think it would scar them for life, you can always opt for The Shot Fairy, which I am sure will be less traumatizing. Just think, while your wee one slumbers peacefully, you can hire a nurse to sneak into their room (while they sleep) and administer the shot(s). Wonderful if it works, but I don’t like my chances. There is a 50/50 chance that my daughter wakes up, in her own room, which is supposed to be her “safe place” and sees the shadowy figure of a stranger… who is giving her a shot! Talk about scarring a kid for life! How many horror movies have I seen where someone wakes up to see a culprit administering an injection to them? It’s a recurring theme in horror movies for a reason.
5. Remember those hilarious folks who brought us Billy Bob teeth? Now those geniuses have a pacifier equipped with the unfortunate dentition of a “hillbilly’. Way to exploit a baby’s need to suckle, all the while satisfying your own selfish need to earn the laughs of strangers. I can only imagine that the fun times would never end as you tote your tot artificially enhanced with the startling malformation about town. That there is a knee-slapper, to be sure.