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Sparklepire Beauty Fun Fun (kill me.)

December 9, 2009

I don’t recall exactly where I first laid eyes on the Twilight/New Moon themed beauty products which I am about to discuss, but I can tell you that my first reaction was to laugh.  Hard.

The Twilight phenomenon is a fairly polarizing one – people tend to either dislike it intensely or LOVE it with the heat of a thousand suns - or at least the blinding fury of one wet cat.   I actually fall somewhere in the (caustic) middle, last summer I read the books swiftly and – in spite of their many flaws, enjoyed them – though they did get progressively worse as I soldiered on through the series.  If there is a silver lining to be found in the time I invested in reading Stephanie Meyers YA vampire series, the Twilight juggernaut led me to Cleolinda Jones’ delightful website which wittily recaps the books (and yielded an incalculable amount of joy for me – also, the content on her site is infinitely better written than any of the actual Twilight offerings to date.)

I eagerly anticipated the movie adaptation of Twilight and found myself sufficiently amused during most of it – allbeit  probably not as the film-makers intended for me to be.  Every time a member of the vampiric Cullen clan appeared on screen I involuntarily cackled, their general appearance was in such stark contrast to the impossibly beautiful creatures described in Stephanie Meyer’s series.  Mind, I am not slagging off the physical attractiveness of the cast, by all means no – but rather the way in which they were made-up to represent the comely vampire family.   Utilizing a thick, white pancake foundation to simulate an un-dead pallor, blood-red lip stain and SPARKLE (effing) EFFECTS, the vampires looked like parodies of themselves.  Initially I attributed the unfortunate looking make-up to the relatively low-budget of the first film, but then the very same cosmetic effects appeared in New Moon – a film with a greater budget and one in which the Cullen’s appearances were inexplicably even more comical.

Even so, it should come as no surprise that several cosmetic companies are hoping to capitalize on the popularity of  the beloved series by offering Twilight themed beauty products, because of course they are.  Now there is this and this available to make-up/vampire enthusiasts, apparently to aid in helping the public look a little bit more like this – which is to say, HILARIOUS.  And it doesn’t end there friends.  Lo, behold:  a quick google search yielded this treasure trove of slap all of which combined can enhance your visage  -  apparently designed to create the captivating illusion that you look like, say, this.

I have a headache now.   I need to be held.  I want a pony.  May the Sweet Baby Jesus smite me down should I ever find myself shilling out good money on body sparkles or tubes of lip stain designed to make me look like  I have been feasting on the blood of mountain lions*.

[Also, let it be noted that in my search for photographic evidence of the actors bedecked in appauling-looking make-up, I was unable to find any that sufficiently represented their appearances in the film.  They looked SO MUCH WORSE in the movie, you  Mrs. Frothy can totally back me up.]

*Vegetarian vampire joke.  (I hate myself for knowing that.)  I am going to go and have a lie down.


4 Responses to “ Sparklepire Beauty Fun Fun (kill me.) ”

  1. Sara on December 9, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Christ. Didn’t we go through this faux-Gothic-Vampire-make-up crumbiness a thousand times before it seems to hit upon it’s lovely death in the nineties? What do you MEAN it’s back?!

  2. Mr. Smarty Pants on December 9, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Reading this post cued the mental jukebox to start playing “1,000 July’s”

    I never fit in I don’t belong
    But you know it doesn’t matter when we feel strong
    ‘Cause I’m a vampire y’all and we toast the blood of our enemies
    You’re still scaring me no, you’re scaring me no
    And we don’t fit in

    Personally, I think Vampires should look like this:

    Or at least like this

    In closing, I’ll just say this…

  3. Nat on December 9, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Ha! Have you seen anyone actually sporting this?

  4. Pancake on December 9, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    No, I have not seen anyone sporting this stuff – but the circles I run in are lucky to get a shower in three days time, so it isn’t likely that I will. Seriously though, can you believe? I shouldn’t be surprised….