No Crocodile Tears for Athletes’ Wives
Subtitled: Better Professions in Which to Find a Husband
Shannon’s post about Tiger Woods yesterday made me think two things. First, holy shit I need to get to the gym. (Thanks for the photo of Elin Woods, Shannon!) Second, who the f&*# in their right mind marries a professional athlete? You have at least an 82% chance of seeing his name and some skank’s picture on SportsCenter. Stop acting so shocked already. Sure any man can cheat, but c’mon ladies, let’s use some common sense here. Take out the words “professional athlete,” which really just means “money” and see if the remaining qualities would make up someone you would choose to marry. He travels almost all of the time. He is surrounded by an entourage that says yes to everything. He is accustomed to being idolized. He has women throwing themselves at him.
5. Chef – He is never home, true, but he’s also too poor to divorce you. He is too busy and tired to cheat, and he smells like kitchen grease, repelling most other women. (Oops, I just described my ideal man!)
4. Mortician – Sure, it’s creepy. But as creepy as a professional athlete? I think not.
3. Long-Haul Truck Driver – Yes, he may hire hookers at rest stops, but at least it won’t be in the papers.
2. Mega-Church Pastor – Okay, he will sleep around, no doubt. But he’ll feel really bad about it afterward. And you can tell him that he’s literally going to hell.
1. Death Row Inmate – Required: Term life insurance. Not required: Pre-nup.