Ironic T-Shirts And The Men Who Wear Them: A Primer
Right now I am swimming in a sea of Christmas catalogs and I am as happy as a clam. There is nothing I like more than perusing goofy catalogs for products to make fun of. This week I came across a catalog that was selling “ironic” tees. These are not the ones that inhabit the windows of hipster paradise Urban Outfitters. These are the type that a typical NASCAR lovin’, dip-chewin, Coors-light swillin’, couch lovin’ man might purchase, thinking he is witty. Therein lies the irony. They are not witty at all, but spectacularly unaware as to how stupid they look. I offer you the following samples:
Slogan: Where’s my stinkin’ bailout?
The typical male that wears this shirt may be sporting a mullet, has the confederate flag prominently displayed somewhere on his truck, along with a “piss-on” decal and/or testicles for said truck. He takes his wife to Applebee’s on their anniversary and likes to smell his own farts.
Might be spotted: At a Sarah Palin rally.
Girlfriend: The former cheerleader still sporting the Utah bang claw.
Slogan: I’m Sick Of Being My Wife’s Arm Candy
I assure you, sir, you are no arm candy. Guaranteed to be a big, fat, bald slob with questionable dental hygiene. When not wearing this special tee-shirt (which, incidentally, his friends find hilarious) he usually sports an NFL t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, effectively making it the worst kind of wife beater. Hardee’s is his choice of restaurant, because you can get that “$7” burger a lot cheaper, and they don’t skimp on the portions.
Might be spotted at: Krispy Kreme
Girlfriend: Also a big fat slob.
Ironic because guaranteed this guy doesn’t know anything about the source material for this witty little quip. Displaying one’s propensity and talent for farting has to be ultimate white trash indicator. This fine specimen of man can be found in the trailer park frying up some Spam with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. T-shirt may be paired with equally offensive zoomba pants and crocs “’cuz the’re comfortable”
Can be spotted at: Walmart
Girlfriend: Frosted blonde chain smoker with 3 kids by 3 different men.
Slogan: I have seen the future, and I’m going back to bed
Proudly displaying his laziness and love of sleeping, this guy still lives in his parents basement. I am fascinated by somebody who was clearly trying to buy something clever, but this is the very best they could do. Seriously, that’s your best shot? Very indicative of someone with the personality of a potato chip. Favorite foods are rice pudding and mother’s beef roast. Drinks frozen strawberry daiquiris when he goes out on the town, which is once or twice a year. Spends lots of time misrepresenting himself in chat rooms.
May be seen at: The Renaissance Festival, gnawing on a ginormous turkey leg.
Girlfriend: Of course not.