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The Halloween Candy Diet (With Sample Menu)

November 12, 2009

Halloween candySo, a few weeks ago I noticed that I was well on my way to gaining the “writer’s ten.”  Much like the inevitable “freshman fifteen” that college coeds collectively acquire during their first year, this ailment strikes a target group-people transitioning to a writer’s lifestyle.  The coeds binge on late night pizza and $1 beers, I myself prefer a slice of brie cheese and Absolute Mandarin.  No matter the caloric source, the end result is the same, unwanted pounds.

I’ve gone from obsessively working out over two hours a day to sitting in an office chair for all my waking hours.  Anytime a deadline is looming, the gym gets tossed aside as the first casualty of my new time demands.

This week, however, I had a welcome surprise.  I’ve never had a good relationship with my skin.  I don’t know what I ever did to warrant such anger from it, but it is obvious to anyone who knows me that my skin hates me.  So imagine my surprise when this week, it didn’t look quite as bad as usual.   I was even able to cut down to three topical acne medications this week, instead of the usual five.  What a fantastic treat for me.

I also noticed that my jeans felt a smidge more loose.  Intrigued, I pulled out the fast and true measurement of fit-the skinny jeans.  You know the ones, we all have them.  You keep them around merely to gauge whether or not you are becoming a fat-ass.  I wept great tears of joy when they easily slipped over my thighs and with a satisfied (and easy, I might add) zip, I pondered this miracle.  To what did I owe my born-again svelteness?  I thought about what had changed as of late. Then it dawned on me.  I have subsisted on nothing but Halloween candy since my own two goblins entered the house at the conclusion of  All Hallow’s Eve with their magnificent bounty.  I’ve not ingested a single item with any real nutritional value at all.  Apparently, I have discovered an all candy magical diet of sorts.

I consider you all my sisters, and far be it for me to withhold such precious knowledge, fortunately I am not of the stingy persuasion.  Heck, I’ll even share a page right out of my new diet book. It is very important to include all the categories of candy in your diet. For instance, if you have something chocolate-y for breakfast, logic would dictate that you follow that with skittles for a snack.  It has proven that “taste-bud confusion” leads to be better results. See below:

The All Halloween Candy Diet

British themed breakfast.

2 fun size or 1 regular Heath Bar

Pair this with 3 steaming servings of Twining’s coffee, for a British themed breakfast*

*may substitute Earl Grey tea with cream and honey

Mid-Morning Snack

1 package of fruit flavored confection.  Examples are starburst, laffy taffy, skittles, or gummy or hard Lifesavers.


Lunch is when you require some substance.  The following items will satiate your appetite due to their bulkier composition.

Cherry Mash

Goo-Goo Cluster (any variety)

Large Baby Ruth (the peanuts have fiber)

Large Snickers (see above)   *Snickers were marketed for years as a wonderful pick me up.  It’s only natural that they would become synonymous with lunch.

Mid-Afternoon snack

This is when it is really important to power through.  You may start caressing some protein food-items with your eyeballs, but you must not ingest them.  This is essential to the diet’s success.  This is also when you might need a little jolt to keep you awake.  Time to throw your tastebuds a party.

Hot Tamales

Atomic Fire Balls

or Red Hots

*The spicy cinnamon flavor will effectively eliminate any taste-bud boredom, and cleanse the palate for further offerings. I prefer the Hot Tamales, but that’s just how I roll.  Avoid if you suffer from Cinnamon stomatitis.


You’ve earned this smorgasbord.  Feast on the following in any combination:

Twix, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (original or dark chocolate), M&Ms, Butterfinger, or Kit-cat.

Pre-Bedtime Snack

Milky Way Midnight.  The nougat barely kissed with caramel and enveloped in dark chocolate looks and tastes like a dream.  You’ll be sawing logs in no time.

There you have it.  Follow this diet for a week and the pounds will melt off.

*Disclaimer- This diet may lead to high Dental bills, so proceed with caution.


7 Responses to “ The Halloween Candy Diet (With Sample Menu) ”

  1. Sara on November 12, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Two words: Yum. Me.

  2. Nat on November 12, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    Nice to see Good & Plenty did not make the cut

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  4. Shannon on November 12, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Do you have some sort of issue with Good & Plenty?

  5. Sara on November 12, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Does he? Does he?! If only you knew, Mrs. Frothy!

  6. Melissa on November 13, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    That’s funny. I’ve been following the same diet, but my results have not been nearly as satisfying as yours! Maybe we need to trick-or-treat in your neighborhood next year instead ; )

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