Is This Sexy?
An Evening With Shakira’s Nether Regions
So, in the last week I have watched two musical videos by two very different performers and yet both managed to evoke an identical response from me upon my viewing them. I am speaking of Shakira’s ”She Wolf” and Leighton Meester’s “Somebody to Love”, respectively, and the reaction that I am referring to is hysterical, eye-water-making laughter.
When these videos were released for public consumption, somehow I don’t think that HILARIOUS was the intention behind either one of them. Each is so aggressively, overtly and ham-fistedly (I hesitate to use this word to describe it, just roll with me here) provocative, it would appear that being SEXY is the clear objective in both efforts…and yet, I did not find them so. Also, both songs suck huge. Let’s review them, shall I?
A more appropriate title for Shakira’s video might be, “An Evening with Shakira’s Vagina”. In it, she is alternately clad either in an elaborately be-holed body suit, or a flesh colored leotard – the former leaving little to the imagination and the latter giving the general illusion of complete and total nakedness. Perhaps when shown in still shots these images would illicit the intended response in the viewer, but there are additional things at play here that negate Shakira’s comely attributes. Namely, this: her dancing style is of the unsettling, Herky-Jerky variety (at one point a J-horror style “shoulder dance” happens, I assure you, it will give you nightmares – it is scarier than all of The Ring), her voice is possessing of a tonal quality one generally associates with the hearing impaired and her posturing is entirely composed to showcase as much of her L’Origine du monde as possible. These factors all heighten and contribute to the amusement factor of her video for me, but in total earnest, the crowning jewel of her performance was how unabashedly she presented her Fruitful Basket to the camera. By my estimation, this video is infinitely funnier because of it.
Leighton Meester’s video, on the other hand, is a veritable exercise in minimalist restraint by comparison – though she relies heavily on similar tactics: suggestive writhing; copious amounts of slap on her face; pant-less, leotard adornment; and a slack-jawed, vacant-eyed expression that has been dubbed – The Sexy Face. Most of this was so clichéd to me that I simply found it boring – but coupled with the appearance of Robin Thicke (son of Alan and whose appeal escapes me completely) it becomes a piece of high comedy art. Most of the time, the two are filmed separately and featured in a bit of a back and forth: Look! It’s a really pretty girl with blow-job lips glossed into a wet sheen, crawling on the floor with no pants on….and then there is Robin Thicke being gross. Look! It’s a really pretty girl rolling around on her bed and fucking around with her hair with no pants on…and there’s Robin Thicke again…oh god and he’s moving…noooo. In the few shots in which they are featured together in the same space, I have to resist a maternal urge to grab Leighton by the hand and scold her, “No! There are things in this world that we don’t do. We do not dig through the garbage and we do not touch Robin Thicke. Not ever!” In short, it is the video equivalent of having your hand dipped in luke-cool water while you are sleeping while simultaneously having a nightmare about Robin Thicke – ineffective and repellent. Ew.
The concept of what is sexy is completely subjective and as such, both of these offerings – while certainly amusing – failed to flip my switch. I know that doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there for whom this titillates and stirs, so I ask out of genuine curiosity, is this sexy? I would like to take this opportunity to open a discussion for what you, Dear Reader, find Sexy with a capital “S”, what is Hot Stuff for you?
For me, it will always be this.