Foreign Correspon(dunce): Where To Find Celebrities

My celebrity sightings over the years have taught me where celebrities like to hang out.  Forget exclusive clubs and high end resorts…besides, you’ll never get your low to mid income ass into those joints anyway.  By following my easy and accessible map to the stars, anyone can see a celebrity in the flesh, even you!  I have encountered the majority of my celebrities in three distinct places.  They are places you’ve probably already been to, or at least heard of.

1. Luggage Stores.  Celebrities are always on the go and they are rich, a double burden.  Therefore, while en route to Ibiza or Cannes they have to buy more and more bags to accommodate their ever-increasing stash of souvenir t-shirts and collectible shot glasses.  It was in this locale that I spotted a casually-clad Heather Locklear. Heather wore biking shorts and a matching Flashdance-era sweatshirt.  I found her to be freakishly small, a trait I don’t much care for in people.  My desire to scream, ‘Grow up already, foetus-girl!’ nearly overcame me.  On another occasion Ozzy, Sharon, and Kelly Osbourne stopped in to find extra bags for their souvenir flasks and pill-boxes emblazoned with the state bird (in this case, the meadowlark).  Kelly was all of 12 at the time and a complete Lolita.  I would not have guessed that she would grow up to sport hair like a Carol Channing ventriloquist’s dummy.  Sandra Bernhard was also spotted, but she came in on my day off.

Q. Jenna, do you hang out in luggage stores?

A. Good question, no, but I used to work in one.  If anyone has questions about suitcases, garment bags, or high-end small leather goods, please feel free to ask in the comments section.  (Frothygirlz claims no responsibility for misleading statements about the size of carry-on luggage or the use of ballistic nylon as a deterrent for sniper fire.)

2. Grocery Stores.  While the sickly, wan look of many a celebrity may lead one to believe stars don’t eat, you’d be highly mistaken.  Real actors like a hearty meal, especially if it comes from your local organic grocer.  Faster than you can say ‘sprouted bean casserole’, look who’s lining up with 10 items or less!  Hope Davis loves to kick back with an organic frozen pizza and a six pack of microbrew.  If that stupid woman in front of her hadn’t hung back and talked my ear off about ear candling, Hope and I would have become best friends and would be downing tofu nibbles to this very day.  Tamping down my inappropriate and out-of-date anger and moving on, Hope’s American Splendour co-star, Paul Giamatti, had a particular interest in rice noodles.  Paul isn’t very chatty, but his grocery cart was spilling over with every visit.  Guess we know the way to his heart…oh Paul!

Q. Jenna, do you hang out in organic grocery stores?

A. Good question, no, but I used to work in one.  If you have any questions about RiceDream, mock meats, or kombucha please feel free to ask in the comments section.  (Frothygirlz claims no responsibility for misleading statements about the health benefits of manuka honey or the effectiveness of sticking a lit candle in your ear.)

3. Art Museums.  After all the luggage stores are exhausted and the local farmer’s markets are cleared of broccoli balls rolled in flax and linseed oil, celebrities like a little culture…they like pictures that aren’t moving.  With excuses for double dipping, Hope Davis is a star who likes to eat AND look at art, sometimes doing both within 48 hours of each other.  I know, how does she find the time?  Hope is a great fan of John Singer Sargent as well as boring-ass Impressionism when accompanied by an audio tour.  Donald Sutherland also enjoyed strolling through the galleries, all while nattily dressed in a fitted navy pea coat.  (The docents were positively swooning with post-menopausal desire!)  And not last week, I was at the Edvard Munch exhibition in the National Gallery of Ireland when Alan Rickman himself appeared to take in the dazzling print work of that very depressed Norwegian.  I can only hope that Alan enjoyed my discourse on the deeper meaning of Munch’s art, which I embarked upon for the edification of my fellow museum-goers.  It is just a little something I do to help people along with their digestion of what can be difficult subject matter.  Oddly, I ran into Alan again in the giftshop…we were both interested in the same postcards, what were the chances?   So, I guess you could say I ‘Munched with Alan Rickman.’  Ah, how droll.

Q. Jenna, do you hang out in museums?

A.  Good question, no, but I used to work in one.  If you have any questions about British Sporting Art, the truth about museum cafes, or the authenticity of that Fabergé egg broach you are buying in the gift shop please feel free to ask in the comments section.  (Frothygirlz claims no responsibility for misleading statements about if it is okay to touch the art ‘just a little’ or if museum security guards are packin’ heat.)