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If Octomom and Jon Gosselin Hooked Up…

October 21, 2009
By
The Following Events Might Take Place.

By Shannon

There I was, procrastinating my daily workload by any means necessary.  On this particular day, twitter was my time-suck du jour, and I was perusing it as I am prone to do.    Suddenly, US Weekly had a horrifying twitter update that stated the following:

Nadya Suleman on Jon Gosselin: “I Think He’s Hot!”http://tinyurl.com/yj4yus5

Reflexively, I began dry heaving.  We simply can’t let these two ever hook up. When my stomach settled down a bit I pondered the ramifications of such an unholy union.   I brought my friend Pancake into the fray, and we spent way to much time discussing the likely consequences of this horrific event:

1.  It’s a given that they would officially have a monopoly of all tabloid/media/television coverage, thus becoming one step closer to world domination.

2.  Their 22 (that’s right 22!) children would be sufficient in numbers to populate Satan’s Army of Darkness.

3.  All world inhabitants would simultaneously and inexplicably vomit at the precise moment of the consummation of their relationship.

4.  Speaking of the consummation, think Last Tango in Paris/butter.  ’Nuff said.

5.  Oceans fill with blood, rivers bleed, swarms of locusts arrive.

6.  This effectively would be the 8th horcrux, thus guaranteeing the death of Harry Potter.

ralphfiennesvoldemort.jpg_320_320_0_9223372036854775000_0_1_0Damn you two! (Shakes fist at sky)

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