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5 Hour Energy: Product Review or Cautionary Tale?

October 8, 2009

By Anita


I’ve always been intrigued by the concept of drinking a tiny amount of liquid with magical powers of energy. It was a beautiful, sunny August morning. It was only 7:00 am, and already a ridiculous 86 degrees in middle America. I had a super busy day ahead of me, so I stopped by the local quickie mart to pick up my usual 24oz diet Red Bull. However, when I was checking out, the beautiful sunset packaging of 5-hour ENERGY caught my eye. And look, it now comes in convenient packs of 3. So, with a fiendish half-smile, I placed the pack of three next to my Red Bull for purchase.Once in my car I began reading the directions. What was this stuff, I thought? Looks like a bunch of B vitamins and caffeine. Ha! I can handle this shit, it even sounds healthy- like I’m doing my body a favor. It said to drink half the bottle for moderate energy, and the entire bottle for maximum energy. Then I think it said something about not drinking more than 2 bottles in a 24 hr period, and that if you drink more than one, to consume them several hours apart blah blah blah. I know these companies have to be ultra conservative on their directions for use, so I always pay little attention to warnings and dosing instructions. I obviously wanted the maximum energy possible, so drinking only half of this wee bottle was never even considered.

After shaking it up and breaking the secure perforated plastic- I flipped my head back and sucked it down. But wait, there appeared to be flecks of dirt/grit still in the bottle. I figured they were key magic energy crystals that could only enhance my 5 hours of energy. I tipped my head back again, and this time held the inverted miniature bottle for a good 5 seconds. I’m a lot of things, but wasteful is not one of them. I started my drive to work and was eagerly anticipating my “maximum” energy kicking in-. Then it hit me, like a lightening bolt, or like buying a pair of Bad Idea Jeans… the more I drink of this majestic potion, the more energy to come.Within 30 minutes of buying my 3-pack, they were all in my belly. I figured there were two possible scenarios when drinking three (5-hourENERGY) shots at the same time. The first being, I will have awesome super-hero strength energy for 5 hours (with no crash like the bottle says). The second scenario, I will have fairly awesome energy for 15 hours (with no crash). Either outcome seemed pretty good to me.

Too bad neither were experienced by me. I did have a pretty good first hour- felt a little weird, tingly, happy, sad, angry, anxious, and like I could kick some ass in the track and field events in the Olympics. But alas, the remaining 14 hours… a crash like I had never experienced before. I crashed like you see in those commercials for crash test dummies in auto safety tests. I couldn’t move, because if I did, my head was going to explode. Needless to say, the last time I had a less productive day was when I was 21 and had stayed up all night drinking tequila shots, and then watched 18 hours of the Real World marathon the next day. The icing on the cake was the 2 day 5hourENERGY hangover that happened after my 14 hour crash. In conclusion, I’d say 5hourENERGY sucks ass! Although I’ve never tried taking it “as directed”, I’m sure it would still suck ass! Hope this helps anyone considering to give this product a try.


One Response to “ 5 Hour Energy: Product Review or Cautionary Tale? ”

  1. Jackson on October 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    please drink responsibly