Want to Lose Friends and End Meaningful Relationships? There’s an App for That!
iHate the iPhone
Attention iPhone owners! We need to have a sit-down. I’ve got a right mind to take your toys away and put you in time out for all your recent shenanigans, but I’m willing to start with a warning. But don’t push me. I’ve had about enough.
Now I know most of you probably got all excited when you saw my request for your attention and you are no doubt on the edge of your seat with your arm up in the air like some annoying school kid who can’t wait for the teacher to call on you. I’ve got an iPhone! Oh oh! Pick me! Pick me! I’ve got an iPhone! Yeah. We know you do. It’s all you f^#*ing talk about these days.
The glue that used to hold our relationships together – the humor, the nuance, the witty back and forths – it’s all been lost. And to what? A little palm-sized gizmo that can tell you where you parked your car or how many chips you can eat and still lose 2 pounds this week. You know what? I have a hands-free device that can do the exact same things. It’s called a brain.
When the iPhone first came out, I noticed that some people were a little nutso for it. They flashed them around like Rolex watches. I even had a guest at work offer to let me “touch his” (and I mean his iPhone) in exchange for letting him “touch mine” (and I don’t mean an iPhone). But I thought little of the hubbub. I figured it was just the usual craziness that some geeks have about new devices. But then it started hitting closer to home.
Both of my parents got iPhones and our phone conversations went from normal to awkward. “Dad, are you there? I said your grandson learned how to ride his bike today. Isn’t that great? He’s sitting here and wants to tell you.”
“Oh, um…huh. What honey? I’m sorry, for some reason my iPhone is not importing pictures correctly and I just don’t know what could be wrong. I’m very worried. Can I call you back?”
“Sorry honey, Grandpa is busy. No no, don’t cry. Come here, mommy will hug you.”
When I recently offered to bring my lap top to a meeting with my editor, Shannon, I could actually hear her looking down her nose over the phone as she said, “Yeah, well, we don’t need that. I’ve got my iPhone and the 3G network so we can just pull up whatever we need to look at from wherever we are!” I wondered, is she reading an actual script from a Mac commercial? Does anyone even know what the 3G network is? Do the 4G people look down their noses at Shannon?
The final straw came last week when one of my best friends called to tell me she had just bought an iPhone. I was secretly trepidatious about what this meant for our friendship, but then put my worries aside. This is my most well-rounded friend. She is a world traveler, food and wine expert, world-dance student, knitting genius and avid hiker who doesn’t even own a TV. If anyone could resist the iPhone cult, it would be her. We made plans to meet for dinner the next night. When I called her the next day to finalize our meeting spot, she hit me right between the eyes with, “Do you mind if we reschedule? I’m curled up in bed with my iPhone, and I just want to stay in and spend time with it. It’s just so incredible.” A new lover? I would understand. But getting ditched for an iPhone? Borderline unforgivable.
I’ve been told numerous times by recent iPhone converts that I just don’t understand. “You have to get one… it will change your life” is the common, not-at-all-creepy mantra that the iCult loves to repeat over and over again. Scientology and Kabbalah(ology?) get a hard time in the press. But it’s clear to this increasingly frightened writer that we are missing the quiet brainwashing that is occurring across this great country to the friends and loved ones we hold most dear. The iCult must be stopped! I wonder if there’s an app for that?