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No Guts, No Glory

October 6, 2009

By Sara


I feel it.



On my month-long hiatus in Michigan, I missed my home in Portland. I had a fabo time in Michigan, but I still pined for Oregon. Now, I’m back in OR and feel strangely displaced.  Although I do have some lovely friends here, I don’t have a best friend yet, I don’t completely know my way around, thoughts of ‘maybe I don’t fit in’ are etching themselves into my mind, and I seem to be working double-time to pick up where I felt happy & secure before I left for my Summer holiday.

Having written all that, there is no greater month in which to be depressed than October because one has the gruesome option to turn it around into something enthusiastically creeeeeepy. I adore October, I love Hallowe’en, and I have all the faith in the Season that things are gonna work out jus’ fine. One of the best things about October is that even if you remain depressed throughout the entire month you will not only be accepted, but also rewarded with treats!

Already I have a slue of bubbly toil & trouble a brewin’ for this month beginning with slicing my finger open during a pumpkin carving session with my Boy. Gruesome. Upcoming this week is a Hallowe’en party-planning meeting followed by an Indiana Jones viewing (which is a dress up event, mas oui). Squeamish. One of my chums is flying in from MI to attend my traditional Canadian Thanksgiving party, which will feature two turkeys, vats of stuffings, and hobgoblins of friends’ dishes to pass. Absolutely horrifying.

My Boy treated me to the opening of the Portland Jazz Orchestra, I’ve only just begun Hallowe’en shopping around PDX, I’ve secured the perfect birthday present for my Mother’s ghoulish tastes, and I have something wicked to do on Hallowe’en itself. Clearly, I have no need for complaints…and just thinking about Hallowe’en and my favourite month is putting me in a better mood. A more evil mood. A more venomous mood. A mood I always seem to Igor-ally limp towards around the beginning of October: The mood of ‘let’s discuss costumes’.

See if you can pick up what I’m throwin’ down here: Hallowe’en=creepy, scary, bogus, disturbing, check your local Thesaurus and pay no attention to the antonyms. For me, there is no ‘cutesy’ when deciding on costumes, decorations, the proper appendages, eatable skulls, or anything else relating to the holiday. For Pete’s sake, this is the one night when the Living walk with the Dead (and all that brouhaha) so ‘my child is a pussy cat’ or ‘let’s go as the office nerd and easy secretary’ shouldn’t fly on Hallowe’en. Honestly, it’s not scary or creepy, it’s more offensive and degrading to the rest of us who are trying to take this holiday seriously.

On that ‘serious’ note, let me clue you in on my methods of selecting costumes. The trick, for me, has always been thinking up a costume and treating it. Regarding examples, we’ll start out slow and work our way up to the truly disturbing. (Use your imaginations here, kiddies.)

1.    Bullwinkle J. Moose had he never attended Wossamotta U

2.    Red Green when the duct tape struck back

3.    Wednesday, if she was born on the Sabbath

4.    Cher! Dressed!

5.    Mr. Peabody after Sherman fed him a bowl of warm mayonnaise (thank you Augustine Burroughs for the suggestion)

6.    For those of you with tots (who aren’t willing to dress your little stump as Rosemary’s baby) put the kid in a basket with a sign reading ‘Bottle Me’, stick it on someone’s doorstep, ring the bell, and heckle from the bushes

7.    Anyone who’s ever eaten Peas Porridge in the pot after nine days

8.    Heath Ledger as the Joker…now

9.    Æon Flux had Peter Chung worked for Disney

10.  And the top costume, which needs no altercations because it’s absolutely the most terrifying (to yours truly): Grendel’s Mother

Mmm…Hallowe’en, how I adore you.


Not so much now.

Pass the Grog.


9 Responses to “ No Guts, No Glory ”

  1. Nat on October 6, 2009 at 7:37 am

    Who’s flying out for Can/Thanks? Jooooeee?

  2. Sara on October 6, 2009 at 9:21 am


  3. Hazz on October 6, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Oh the joy of halloween. tis the most wonderful time of the year.

    Cute and slutty halloween costumes only work with frat boys. Give me an easy zombie over strawberry slut cake any time.

    Well, unless you have a sheet with 100 holes in it and a bloody crotch, draped over your body, and then call yourself Peppermint Patty. Because that’s just brilliant. (you lucky dog Chuck).

  4. anncine on October 6, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Yes..I love October too. I am finally off the floor. Ok, I am currently on the floor, but have plans to get up soon. Yes, right after coffee.

  5. aruthbyanyothername on October 6, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Let us not forget the finest costume of them all…

    Natty’s turtle who lives in a shell and never takes a shower (boy, does he smell!)

    …because one’s Halloween costume should be a treat (or trick, as it were) for ALL the senses.

    P.S. The bear missed the train.

  6. Nat on October 6, 2009 at 10:34 am


    That wasn’t a costume; it was one of the many traumatizing poems…sorry–pieces of crap–the younger me had to recite.

  7. aruthbyanyothername on October 6, 2009 at 10:59 am

    True, but it SHOULD be a costume!

    And it was a fine poem. It isn’t often that the world is alerted to the unsanitary living conditions that turtles are forced to endure. Kudos to you for shedding light on the plight of the Testudine.

  8. Nay on October 6, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Darn, I feel like I’ll need some serious help for my Halloween custome if I’m gonna keep up with you. Octomom is just not gonna cut it.

  9. Sara on October 6, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Maybe Gnat should put together something from 1814…something which will involve him singing about 1814.