Surviving Bigfoot; A Hipster Tale of Terror
My family decided to “camp” this weekend, in a cabin that my parents have been working on for several years. It is way out in the woods, in a very native surrounding. My dad was trying to give me directions to the property when I interrupted, “It’s okay, we have a GPS.” To which he ominously replied, “There is no address.”
It took me a moment or two for that statement to fully sink in. No address? Isn’t that against the law or something? I reluctantly listened to directions to the
cabin in the woods. He also helpfully added, ” You’ll hear the coyotes tonight, to be sure. There is also an owl who hangs out in the tree outside the cabin. You’ll swear you hear a woman screaming.” Awesome.
My children braced themselves for the challenging 12 hours ahead, and managed to cull 2 full grocery bags from Mimi and Bobpop’s pantry. Clearly, they live in fear of starvation. In retrospect. they were the wise beyond their years.
We departed from my parent’s house cheerfully, not yet aware of the impending danger we would be facing. * Let me interject that it occurred to me that being a huge horror movie freak might not be a desirable character trait at this point. Indeed, as we drove deeper and deeper into the wild blue yonder, I found my imagination getting away from me. When we passed a house trailer with 5 or 6 high school aged boys drinking beer and gathered around a fire, I immediately thought of Eden Lake.
Soon, there were no houses around at all, and I kept thinking how perfect our surroundings were for a horror movie. If a crazed lunatic where to find us in the cabin that night no one would hear us scream.
You know how the cell phone conveniently never works in movies, and you always roll your eyes at how stupid that is? Well, guess what? It’s not a cliché, it’s true. About 100 yards from the cabin, my phone showed “No Service”. Are you effin’ kidding me?
I cautiously surveyed the land about the cabin. As indicated by the photos, you can see how probable it was that Bigfoot was hiding out behind the tree line. I pondered our inevitable encounter, as Mr. Frothy joked with the children about the myth of Bigfoot. I did not find it amusing. I believe in Bigfoot, along with vampires, ghosts, werewolves and the chupacabra.
We decided to go on an ill-advised nature walk just before dusk. The following events took place between 8 and 8:30 pm.
Mr Frothy might have been subjected to one too many horror movies himself, which might have fed into his fear, but nonetheless here is what happened.
As we city slickers crept out into the wilderness, lots of things pointed to the perfect storm for a Bigfoot sighting. There was a full moon, a creepy tree, and weird noises. I needed to go pee in the forest. While I was away, the following video was taken:
Followed by this:
When I emerged from the woods I saw my husband and two daughters high-tailing it to the cabin (chivalry be damned), and I sprinted after them. We locked that door and cowered under the covers that night. It is truly amazing that we made it back to the city unscathed, a direct result of our cunning, no doubt. While everyone else sawed logs that night I fell in and out of sleep, jarred awake when the coyotes started wailing. I decided to inspect the footage from the evening.
The following morning a sleep deprived mommy slept in. Mr. Frothy was giddy with the courage that comes with daylight, and took the girls on another walk. They returned with a startling collection of bones they had found in the forest, further fueling the Bigfoot myth.
Do you think I should inform Mr. Frothy that the scary beast they spotted in the first video is just yours truly, emerging from the forest? Nah, that would ruin all the fun.