Words To Panic By
Yesterday, I had my five year-old with me when I ran errands. We were strolling through a department store when she suddenly stopped. I turned around and asked “What’s wrong?”
The following words caused an icy, panicked chill go down my back. ”I think I pooped when I tooted.” Crap. What was I going to do now? I don’t carry a diaper bag anymore, I lack the arsenal of supplies that a mother of a younger child hauls around with her. I won’t go into details, but it was not as bad as it could have been. However, it got me thinking about some things that you never, ever want to hear. Let me share a few highlights from the last several years.
At the gym: “Are you pregnant?” (when you are not) or Two or three weeks post-delivery, when you are feeling slim and svelte compared to what you looked like: ”When are you due?”
At a pregnancy check-up with your OB: “That sure is a big baby you’ve got in there!”
When a friend calls and leaves a message: ”I really need to talk to you, call me as soon as you can.” Every time this happens to me, I play phone tag with the individual for three days or so, all the while conjuring up horrible things that may have happened to them. I work myself up into a frenzy, and even suffer from insomnia. When finally talk to them, dreading the horrific thing that might be brought up, it usually involves something silly, like their stress over what to wear to an upcoming event.
From the husband: “I think I must have miscalculated our taxes.” *this is always delightful fun.
From a friend or acquaintance: “I checked out your blog.” *crickets* This usually means they could not find one single nice thing to say about the blog, and uncomfortable silence ensues.
From the person you know from somewhere but can’t quite place: “Do you remember me?” That is just plain rude!
From the Veterinarian: “Oh, wow, I’ve never seen this before.”
From the Mac store: “Your lapbook is a complete loss. That will be $49.99″
From the boy you dated four years, on the way to the airport after visiting him: “We need to talk.” This ensures a tearful return trip home.
From your boss at Burger Max, when you are 17: “We’re going to have to let you go.” **tremendous confidence booster.
Of course, I’m not saying that all these things actually happened to me, I’m just saying it would suck if they did.