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FU Penguin. My new favorite book.

September 9, 2009

By Shannon

I won’t lie.  Searching for links on a daily basis is a grueling task.  After boycotting Perez Hilton and Heidi and Spencer Pratt, I am left with cute animals. Cats have enjoyed a tremendous boon in popularity as of late, and quite frankly, I am sick of it.

I bow my head in shame, because I have been part of the problem.  A few months ago, I couldn’t get enough of “keyboard cat”.  For this, I am sorry, more than you will ever  know.  Let me begin the long journey of my twelve step program for “egregious link blunders committed in the name of humor”  by offering up this book for your consideration.  This is my way of  making amends.  I meant well, and was new to blogging.  I had two kids to take care of, no knowledge of html, and sometimes I copied and pasted the first cat that came my way.  No more.

Matthew Gasteier has a blog called, where he hates on cute animal pictures.  It is the anti-I can has cheezburger, and its time has been long in coming.  This summer, Mr. Gasteier became one of those lucky bastard bloggers who have procured the ever elusive book deal.  His book FU Penguin:  Telling Cute Animals What’s What is a “greatest hits” of his blogging posts, with some new material thrown in to sweeten the sticker price.

My favorite example of his magnificent prose:

Tibetan Fox-1

“I just want you people to drink in this world-class douchebag known as the Tibetan Fox. Have you ever seen such a holier-than-thou fucking look on a non-dolphin before? I’m not one for slapping foxes, as I generally think they know what they’ve done, but this one really has that look, like the asshole boyfriend of the girl the main guy wants in an 80s movie. Unsurprisingly, he is extremely rare. That’s probably because he thinks if he has too many babies, some of them will turn out to be commoners and he wouldn’t be able to show his square face at the country club anymore.

How’s your ivory tower, Tibetan Fox? I’m sure it must be terribly stressful to stand in judgment of the rest of us little people, so why don’t you just retire to your cabin and play lacrosse? You know what, on second thought, WHY DON’T YOU WANDER THE DESERT LOOKING FOR RODENTS. Some of us have to work for a living, Tibetan Fox. We don’t get everything handed to us by a lifetime of hunting and scavenging, you stuck-up snob.”

From F.U. Penguin, available at fine retailers everywhere.

He does look rather pompous, doesn’t he?


2 Responses to “ FU Penguin. My new favorite book. ”

  1. pancake on September 9, 2009 at 8:29 am

    He radiates an aura of self-entitlement. I’ll bet his name is Blaine.

  2. Club Penguin Secrets on February 25, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Your next post should be a top 10 list with the benefits and cons of each one