True Confessions: As Seen On TV products I fell for
Dammit! I did it again. It seems I may never learn my lesson. I always think “it will be different this time” So I plunked down my money and ponied up for…Bumpits and was promptly left broken and empty by its deceptive marketing practices and empty promises. This is not the first time this has happened. It is a well-documented fact that I have an irrational affinity for the As Seen On TV products that are peddled in the aisles of my local CVS store. Like a moth to a flame, that aisle always beckons me with promises of gorgeous hair, long lasting razors, easy to close necklace clasps and a blissfully happy time filing my dog’s nails. Like Fox Mulder, I WANT TO BELIEVE! So every few months I convince myself that the newest offering from the ASOTV store is the real deal. After all, how can they have those fabulous testimonials and exquisite photos on the box. They can’t just be lying, can they? How could they sell so many if it didn’t work?
Let’s take a stroll through the annals of utter crap I bought hook, line, and sinker. We’ll begin with my most recent acquisition, the Bumpits (seen above). Let me quickly clarify that I don’t buy these products impulsively (which really makes it worse). I obsess for weeks while I fantasize about how great my life will be once I possess the magical product. Bumpits was destined to be the answer to my prayers, providing the perfect amount of pouf to my lifeless hair. After three or four weeks of coveting this product, I finally threw it in my grocery basket. I rushed home, tore open the package and immediately teased my hair and placed the purveyor of the pouf under my hair, as instructed. To my horror, no matter how many times I repositioned the device, my thin hair wisps could not camouflage the accessory. Foiled again. Twenty dollars down the drain. Clearly the only people who really need this product are unable to hide it, rendering it completely useless. Grade D
Pedi-paws. We adopted a 5 year old border collie mix who is very sweet, except when you attempt to touch her feet in any way. Unfortunately, she also has a nail that defies physics and resembles this photo. Wouldn’t be a problem, except it catches on something in the yard, fractures and we have a pricey vet bill. After being lulled into a false sense of confidence and security, I purchased the Pedi-Paws. I remember coming toward Ellie and gently lifting her paw, but after that it is a blur. There was biting. There was blood. There were no nails filed. Price $20.00. Time used: 2 seconds. That’s ten dollars a second! Grade F-
The Eggwave. This product is a bit older. I bought it about 12 years ago, lured by the promise of perfect omelets and soft-boiled eggs, straight from the microwave. It actually was a relative success as far as my story goes. I used it frequently, but always could detect an essence of plastic when I ate my eggs cooked in this device. So it delivered the goods, but could have been better. Grade C
The Perfect Pancake. More like perfect disaster. This item was on back order when I ordered it, that’s how many people clamored for the product that promised effortless pancakes and omelets. Notice how you haven’t seen this advertised for about 10 years? That’s because it was crap. The first time I went to “flip” my pancake (trembling with anticipation, I might add) all the batter oozed out the sides down into the stove burner immediately burning and creating a disaster to clean up. Cost: $19.95. Times used: once. Grade F
Spin Spa (the rotating back brush). As a general rule, my back is always itchy. I thought this would be the perfect solution to my predicament. I envisioned a nice loofah-esque scrubbing, ridding me of dry itchy skin every time I showered. In reality, it was akin to someone tracing my back with feathers. Even on its highest setting, it would delicately tickle my itchy back. Worthless. Grade D
Much to my embarrassment, I’m sure there will be fodder for another post shortly. I have been gazing longingly at the Instyler.