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In the Weeds: Foods of a sissified nation

August 11, 2009

Picture 3Guys, we need to talk.  No, not all of you…just you guys.  Yes, you there.  The men.  Ladies, you may be excused until next week.  Go have a girls’ night out.  But please, don’t forget that if you must split the check, split it evenly.  And good heavens to Betsy, please put away those calculators and stop doing visible math scribbles on the check and just tip 20%.  Mwa.  Kisses.  Have fun now.

Okay men, listen.  I’ve been beating up on women in my column for months now about how they don’t tip as well, how they sit too long at the table, how they insist on separate checks, how they ask for too many food modifications, how they have an almost military obsession with ensuring that decaf coffee is indeed being poured and on and on.  You’ve gotten off pretty scot-free and unscathed.  But not today.

In recent years, the strict lines of gender behavior have gotten a little blurred.  Men can wear expensive jeans, shop moisturizers at Neimans, highlight their hair and get a mani/pedi without being called gay.  The term “metrosexual” has you guys covered.  But I don’t think that men should just order any old thing off the menu no matter how great it sounds after a steam at the gym or an exfoliating facial.  Some things are on the menu just for the ladies.

We may get there some day guys, but right now about the most feminine thing you can order without your server secretly wondering if your wife knows about your boyfriend is ahi tuna.  Here is a list of some food and drink items considered seulement pour les dames:

  • Filet cut of steak
    Tender, flavorful, boneless, juicy. Girly.
  • Grilled chicken breast
    If you must, order it as part of a sandwich with bacon, fried onions and BBQ sauce. Never ever on top of a Caesar salad.
  • Spring mix salad
    Frisee and radicchio lettuce with goat cheese, pears, candied walnuts and plum vinaigrette is delicious. But do you want a really good salad or do you want to get laid?
  • Mimosa
    Go ahead.  Look manly holding that champagne flute.
  • Cappuccino
    Coffee or espresso.  Those are your choices.
  • Crab cake
    Usually soft and slippery, you are forced take tiny, dainty bites while giggling as it repeatedly falls off your fork.
  • Anything with a splash of cranberry
    It turns your drink pink and does not enhance the flavor enough to drink a drink which is pink.
  • Frozen drinks
    On a beach?  Go ahead.  Landlocked in Kansas City?  Come on.
  • Lobster tail
    IF you order this with a big ol’manly steak like a ribeye or strip, that’s fine.  Lobster tail as an entrée unto itself is meant to be eaten by someone wearing a dress and strappy heels.  Under no circumstances should you place the ultimate feminine order of lobster tail with a filet.
  • Hummus
    Hummus is one of the most popular appetizers ordered by groups of women, second only to spinach and artichoke dip.  If you’ve got to have it, call it in to go and eat it in your car – like a man.
  • Water with lemon
    No explanation necessary but happening way too often.
  • Straws
    When a man asks me for a straw, I wonder if he is worried about messing up his lipstick.  Picture Paul Newman drinking from a straw.  You can’t do it can you?

12 Responses to “ In the Weeds: Foods of a sissified nation ”

  1. Hollywood Hood on August 11, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Good insight there CJ…apparently, I’ll be needing to butch it up a bit on my selections. Well done..or would it be more fitting to give the apt compliment of rare…I am swimming in thoughts of splitting Ahi Tuna and a Filet with my pal Tom. Ouch!

  2. Nat Almirall on August 11, 2009 at 8:16 am

    To that end, restaurants need to start serving more manly food, which is pretty much British food, like bangers and mash with Coleman’s, the mustard that makes you sterile and fertile at the same time; shepard’s pie with beef and mutton, and a heifer’s worth of sharp, sharp cheddar–or, better yet, Stilton; and BLOOD SAUSAGE.

    And why can’t restaurants make a real Caesar salad anymore? When and why did anchovies become taboo? And how difficult is it to coddle a goddamn egg?

  3. anncine on August 11, 2009 at 8:21 am

    Ah..yes, Plerr loves his girly drinks. The waiter is often confused and places MY extra dirty vodka martini in front of him whilst placing HIS fruity concoction before me. Sad, ‘Can’t a man enjoy a pink or blue beverage without it being a big deal..?’

  4. anncine on August 11, 2009 at 8:28 am

    Agreed, Nat…How would you like your goddamn egg? Coddled.

  5. #1SisInLaw on August 11, 2009 at 9:32 am

    CJ, Matt will love this weeks edition of In The Weeds! He considers chicken a vegetable, especially when in boneless, skinless form. And if he can find a Flintstone’s bone-in ribeye on the menu, he’ll pair it with a big beer and be in heaven. That’s why I love him :)

  6. sommelier on August 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    I’ll order it any way I damn well please!! (as soon as I find a job and can afford it)

  7. Linh on August 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    I have to disagree with this one! Food is food, no gender lines for me. If women can order manly t-bones-split, sub potatoes for a veg, with a salad-dressing on the side, then I have no issues with a man dipping his paws in hummus in one hand and holding a umbrella drink in the other.

  8. frothy fan on August 11, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    I have to agree with Linh that food is food and men should order whatever they please…but this is still good clean funny!

  9. your man? on August 11, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    wow, this is me!! honey do you think less of me?

  10. BigCrockofGold on August 12, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Ah no Linh…those orders are for you girlyman friends…I imagine your husband eats like a true caveman of the highest caliber…Delmonico and au gratin potatoes, tons of Guinness and a sledgehammer of a Cab…all washed down with Whiskey, iron nails and broken glass

  11. John Williams on August 12, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Well I agree with alot of this …but CJ you must realize that many men are….well…Panniwaists. enough said.
    I do agree with the straw fetish, women suck, straight men dont. But as far as lobster is concerned…well you know how I feel about that…lmao. And for all of your readers, if food is just food, then why are we all not bi freakin sexual.
    have a nice day!!!

  12. Miller Time on August 15, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Is it okay that I got feta vinegarette on my salad at Dean and Deluca?