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Fashion advice for Adrien Brody

July 7, 2009
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By Shannon

Dear Adrien,

adrienbrody

photo Wenn.com

This jackass get-up came to my attention just prior to the holiday weekend.  I was quite horrified, and felt the need to intervene.  I myself am no fashionista, but even I could tell this misguided Fabio-meets-sailor ensemble is not working.

Dude, you are a Oscar winning actor who just starred in the  indie darling The Brothers Bloom.  You unexpectedly tongue-kissed Halle Berry upon receiving your gold statuette, promptly  inserting  yourself into  pop culture history forever.  Don’t start squandering your image with this kind of crap.  This is drawing attention to that elephant in the room, namely your nose.

Before people think I am being mean, let it be known that I too, sport a large schnoz, so I know of what I speak.  We who know the woes of the big nose must look out for one another.  If we can’t rely on each other, than who can we rely on?  Therefore, I offer the following:

It is not advantageous to draw attention to our unwelcome proboscis, subtlety is the key.  In truth, nothing about your outfit is subtle. Let’s start from the top down.

The hat-this draws attention to the face, which we who wear the schnoz do not desire.  Try losing the hat next time.

Bandanna–there is no situation in which these are welcome, ever.  Untie, remove, and burn.  Don’t buy another one.

The shirt–if it is too low cut for the current Hollywood starlet you might be dating, it is 100% too low cut for you.  Nobody needs to see your chest, especially if you are wearing that dip-shit hat.   No. No. No.  Also, horizontal stripes are the devil’s hallucinogen.

If you want any chance of holding onto the female fantasy that you might be a Lothario, please go back to the tuxedo look, stat.  Some damage to your image will be irreversible, but it is not to late.

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One Response to “ Fashion advice for Adrien Brody ”

  1. pancake on July 7, 2009 at 8:37 am

    This right here, is what I was talking about – the dudes who wear scarves (not the natty, knotty kind required of chillier seasons, but the trendy, girlish ones that are pretentious and ass-hat making). Well done.

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