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Perez Hilton popped in the face, world rejoices

June 23, 2009
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Also, I want to marry Will.i.am now

By Shannon

Dear Perez Mario Lavandeira,

photo from AP

photo from AP

I am embarrassed to admit that for a nano-second I thought your blog was fun, and I was in fact a daily visitor. I did notice a trend toward nastiness over the years, and was particularly troubled by your relentless mocking of celebrity children and their physical attributes (Tater Head, anyone?). I consider most adults in the spotlight fair game, but when you pick on the kids who have no say in their lifestyle, that’s not fair. Pointing out the large forehead, nose or chin of a pubescent child is cruel and unusual indeed. Teenage years are traumatic enough without a worldwide gossip blog pointing out how unfortunate looking you are. I realize such a fine physical specimen such as yourself must have a hard time refraining from said attacks, it must be awful to be so perfect.

Earlier this year I learned that you had successfully won a lawsuit against some people running a satirical website called PerezRevenge.com . You stated that they had no legal right to use the word Perez, which is ironic since Perez Hilton is not even your name, it is in fact a spin on Paris Hilton. So basically you sued someone for using a name that you copied from someone else from the get-go. Hmmm. After delving a bit further into this mysterious lawsuit, I then learned that when you were starting out, you cleverly named your website Pagesixsixsix.com in an obvious bid to capitalize on the popularity of the New York Post gossip column Page Six. You are the embodiment of hypocrisy.

Then there was the whole Miss USA fracas. I’ve been noticing more over the last year that you have become a very vocal mouthpiece for gay rights. That’s cool. You’re in a position to do some good, and you should. Miss California walked right into your tangled web when you asked her the baited question about whether or not she supported gay marriage. The following hate tinged words spewed from her mouth. I can barely bring myself to repeat them due to their vulgarity, but here goes, “”I think it’s great Americans are able to choose one or the other,” she said. “We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what in my country, in my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be, between a man and a woman.” (source, ABC news) That Bitch! I can’t believe she wasn’t immediately stoned to death for her vitriolic statements.

new hero Will.i.am

Will.i.am

Of course I kid. This may not have been the smartest statement she could have made, but it is just her opinion. You were in the driver’s seat at this point. Many Americans were squarely behind you, aghast that she would say such things to a champion of gay rights. She looked dumb. If you would have made a statement along the lines of “Wow, I regret that Miss Prejean feels that way, and that is why I will continue to educate the American public until all of us share equal rights,” you would have had the world eating out of your hands. Being the egomaniac that you are, surrounded by all your little sycophants that worship at the altar of Perez, you immediately went on your “vlog” and proclaimed Miss Prejean to be an “ignorant bitch” along with other choice words. You squandered the good will you had garnered in about 12 minutes flat, all the while making Miss Prejean the sympathetic victim.

Yesterday news broke that you had accused Black Eyed Peas member Will.i.am of assaulting you outside a nightclub. Rather than actually reporting this assault, you made another “vlog” and tweeted in your hotel room, imploring your followers to call the police for you, multiple times. As details emerged, I found out that you actually called Will.i.am a “gay faggot”. Yet another step back for the gay rights movement. How are people supposed to embrace the movement if one of its most prominent mouthpieces is clearly a narcissistic idiot? You shriek for people to get fired for saying any other thing, then you go call someone a gay faggot? While people are taping it? Come on. Your 15 minutes are up. While it might have been kind of funny (but wrong) the first hundred times I saw you draw cocaine on Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils, or semen on Sienna Miller’s mouth, your routine is tired. It’s time to try something fresh. However, I have a feeling that you are a one trick pony, because the truth is, you never could write worth a damn.

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