The Myth of the 3 Wolf Moon T-Shirt
Today was a magical day indeed, friends. When I awoke, I could tell there was something different in the air, and I just knew that something good was gonna to happen. I performed my morning ritual as though it was just any old day. Drank my coffee, checked my email, checked my tweetdeck. I could have missed it, it was just a casual mention on @davechensky’s twitter feed. Something about a wolf t-shirt something or other. I thought it odd, because @davechensky usually posts about movies and such. I flicked over it with the casual demeanor that one might flick a piece of lint away.
I went about my day. After I dropped my daughter off for ballet, again I saw it, this time on @funnyordie’s feed. This piqued my interest. Two mentions in one day? I remember looking at the link. In hindsight, I do believe the link was gently pulsating with warm amber light, beckoning me to click on it. I did just that, and for the rest of the day I have been unable to compose myself in public, cackling like a crazy lunatic every time I think about it. Here friends, is the Myth of the 3 Wolf Moon t-shirt.
We’ve all seen them, horribly tacky wolf t-shirts. Black in color, with detailed wolves on them, usually paired with bandanas and cut-off jean shorts. This link takes you to an Amazon page selling “the 3 Wolf Moon t-shirt”. Go see for yourself. Yes, the t-shirt is slightly humorous, but it is the actual underground movement to post the most ludicrous customer review that had me gasping between guffaws. As I write, there are 199 customer reviews of this shirt, most of which describe how the wearer’s life changed immediately upon the delivery of the package. For instance, I’ll just take the top one:
“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”
-B. Govern, New Jersey
or how about this one:
“I’ll be honest. I ordered the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt based off the amazing promises I read about at Amazon.com. When my order arrived, I was not disappointed. As the UPS truck was driving down the street with my delivery, my female neighbors began opening their doors and stepping outside. I suspect the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt contains powerful lupine pheromones.
The shirt is made up of soft cotton. I was grateful to see this as it flexed as my muscles grew after donning this garment. The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt gave me a +10 resistance to energy attacks, +8 Strength, and added 30 feet to my normal leap. I cannot list the specific effects involving the opposite sex as I am still discovering these. And they are many.
Since owning the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, I have successfully solved 7 crimes in my city, including 4 cold case murders. The local police force is currently wishing to retain my services.
I do have one complaint, and that’s that I must stay indoors on windy days. Last fall we had a windy day and I received notice that hundreds of women were suddenly pregnant, carrying my offspring, up to 12 miles away.
That said, I would whole-heartedly recommend the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt. You never need to be a lone wolf again!
This goes on for 22 pages (as of yesterday) of review after review after review trying to out-do the last. It is comedic gold. Trust me, I spent the better portion of the day reading them. It is some of the most entertaining fiction I have ever been privy to. I live for this crap, so you don’t have to. My eye is twitching and my abs hurt from laughing. I could not even speak coherently enough to relay this story to Janey Pancake. This is going to be my bookmark that I seek solace from when I am sad. It will be very embarassing if I am completely off-base and nobody else thinks this is funny, and a prompt career re-evaluation will be in order.
I do live in fear that Amazon will catch on to the ruse, and take away our toys. I like to believe that they have decided to just let it go. Just in case I checked “Customers who bought this also bought”.. and found “Breakthrough Wolf t-shirt”. I checked the first review and found this:
I saw a wolf shirt that spoke to me like a shirt with a saying on it. I loved it. It loved me. (see Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, Available in Various Sizes). That shirt was ok… but it’s THIS shirt that reaches deep into my soul, punches it in the face, and wakens it. That’s when my soul (half wolf) leaps out of my body, ripping through the shirt, and into your lives, forever. Like Rocky… as in Rocky 5. It’s beautiful, and it has you by the throat.
With the powers of this shirt, I sired three offspring. One Caucasian, one African-American, and one Chinese… all with the same woman and/or gestation period. And for all those domestic-vehicle-driving jerks who say you don’t have to wash wolf shirts, you couldn’t be more wrong and I am insulted. I wash this shirt EVERY SINGLE DAY (when I shower) and it has yet to fade! Dove powers over Dawn like a wolf parade on a lazy sunday.
I wore this shirt to the beach, went swimming in the riptide, was bitten in the face by a shark. How awesome is that?!
But, this shirt isn’t about the powers it inherits. It’s about the respect I receive while wearing. I once passed another man-soul who bore the mighty lone wolf shirt (he must have been me, and me him, during a powerful astral projection session in our evening sleep. It WAS a full moon that night). We met eye-to-eye, hugged, and cried for hours. It was moving. People were walking around us.
To sum this review with three words: I LOVE THISSHIRT! Please make more.
Pros: Wolf. Soul. Grows mullets. Calms Babies.
Cons: I’m too sexy for this shirt. But that’s ok.
I could breath a sigh of relief. I think there is a movement afoot.