Ode to Tom Cruise

By Shannon

For my entire life, I have had an irrational hatred of Tom Cruise.  He has never done anything to me, but he has contaminated a certain amount of films with his toxic presence.  From the time I first saw him slither onto the screen in Risky Business I have been the anti-fan.  While others swooned, I shuddered . I knew something sinister lurked beneath, but I did not get validation until the couch jumping, ‘ post- partum-depression -is- a -myth’ spewing devil  made himself known to the public.  I finally was vindicated, and people far and wide marveled at my acute perception regarding the beast,  for I was not a wagon jumper, I was a pioneer of the anti-Tom Cruise movement.

So I honor my lifelong distaste for the man in the following poem.  Read it as though you are reading “The Cat in the Hat”  The numbers can be used for reference at the bottom of the post.

Ode to Tom Cruise

I do not like you, Mr. Cruise

I do not like this silly ruse   1

I do not like your toothy smile

I have not liked you for some while

I do not like it when you jump and strut  2

I do not like you with your eyes wide shut 3

I do not like you in a wheelchair 4

I do not like you with blond hair  5

I do not buy your Irish brogue  6

Pompous douchebags are not in vogue   7

I do not like you as a cadet  8

Mixing cocktails, well you’re all wet 9

I will not watch you in my house

I will not watch you while I’m soused

I will not watch you, let me be

Keep that  E-meter away from me  10

Not as a teen, not with Brooke  11, 12

Not when you shoot Iceman  your “special” look 13

As a Vampire, you had no bite 14

You use shoe lifts to boost your height  15

Nikki and Penny are beards of the past  16

Now it is poor Katie that you have cast  17

When you talk about psychiatry you sound like a twit

Do us all a favor and quit, quit, quit.

1 His sham marriage to Katie Holmes  2 Oprah debacle; any red carpet event  3 Eyes Wide Shut 4 Born on the Fourth of July 5 Collateral 6 Far and Away 7 Magnolia, Jerry Maguire, Vanilla Sky 8 Taps 9 Cocktail 10 Scientology E-meter  11 Risky Business, The Outsiders, All the Right moves, Losin’ it;   12 Endless Love 13 Top Gun 14 Interview with a Vampire 15 Reportedly an enthusiastic shoe lift wearer   16 Sham past relationships  17 Sham present relationship

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